Key Interpersonal Skills:

There are six core interpersonal skills that will change how your relationships feel:
Knowing what you want..
Asking for what you want.
Negotiating conflicting wants.
Getting information.
Saying no
Acting according to your values.

Exercise 1 “I Want–They Want” Ratio
Every relationship consists of two people trying to get what they need. Sometimes they need the same thing—companionship, recreation, calm, and quiet But sometimes they need different things at the same time.
Know and say what you desire.
Notice or find out what the other person desires.
Negotiate and compromise so you can get some of what you want.
Give what you can of what the other person wants.
If the “I want–they want” ratio isn’t balanced, your relationship becomes unstable.


Exercise 3- Blocks to Communication(Passive Versus Aggressive Behavior)
I go along with something, even if I don’t like it.
I push people to do what’s right, even if there’s an upset.
I try to be pleasant and easygoing, no matter what people do or say.
I give people a piece of my mind when they deserve it.
I always try to be sensitive to what other people need and feel, even if my own needs get lost in the process.
I know what I want and insist on it, even if it means having to get angry.


When there’s a conflict, I tend to give in and let things go the other person’s way
When people don’t do what’s appropriate or reasonable, I don’t let them get away with it.
I ’ll pull away from a relationship rather than say anything that could be upsetting.
You can’t let people continue being selfish or stupid; you have to shake them till they see what they’re doing.
I leave people alone, let them be whatever they are.
If people ignore my needs or insist on things that don’t work for me, I get more and more upset till they pay attention.
If you tended to mark odd numbers, your predominant style is passive; if you checked even numbers, you may have a tendency to an aggressive problem-solving style.


Old Habits—of the Aggressive/ Aversive Kind
Discounting: “You’ve been watching TV all day; why do you expect me to come home and do the bills?”
Withdrawing/abandoning: The message is “Do what I want or I’m leaving.”
Threatening: “Hey, okay, I won’t ask you to help me again. Maybe I’ll ask somebody else.”
Blaming: “The reason we’re running up our credit cards every month is that you never saw a store you didn’t like.”
Belittling/denigrating: “Why do you want to go to the lake all the time? All you ever do is get allergy attacks up there.”

Guilt-tripping: “If you don’t trust me, that tells me something is very wrong with our relationship.”
Derailing: “I don’t care what you want to do, right now I feel hurt.”
Taking away: “I’m not really in the mood for hiking; it’s boring,”

Old Habits—of the Passive Kind
Shut down or surrender when there is a conflict